The Mox 110% American Sports Report, brought to you by:
Blast Off Beer – “The Countdown Starts Here!”
Wreckless Insurance – “Don’t Worry. You’re Covered.”
Jakarta Motorworks, makers of the Jitney Super-Mini Truck – “As Cheap As It Gets!”
“Live from Coach Kartemoff Stadium: the Tucson Gila Monsters take on the Lake Placid Kayaks!”
(On the set, five men sit at a semi-circular table dressed in identical blazers with identical shirts and ties. Each wears a rhinestone Stars and Stripes pin in his left lapel and a red, white, and blue ribbon in his right lapel. The backdrop display is the cherry, frost, and azure Mox logo superimposed over twenty smaller iterations of the NFL logo in scarlet, eggshell, and cerulean.)
“It’s the Mox Halftime Report and I’m Delmartin Quilk, here with our analysts, Wilyard ‘Dirt’ Workman, Bernie Brainy, McKinley ‘Spit’ McNitsky, and Rachmed Medrock.”
Delmartin: “Dirt. What do the Kayaks have to do to get back into this football game?”
Dirt: “They’re gonna have to run the football. That’s how you loosen up a defense. Pound the football into the holes between the tackles and just keep pounding.”
Bernie: “The Kayaks have to throw the football. They have to run deep routes and quick outs. That will leave the middle wide open so they can hit the receivers with the football and put the safeties and corners back on their heels.”
Spit: “The Gila Monsters have the best defensive line in football. That’s why the Kayaks will have to make them cough up the football with their special teams. If they get turnovers, they can get the football back and start their drives with good field position.”
Rachmed: “The Kayaks have to be more cognizant of their percentage plays. Last football season, they had a 46.2% conversion rate on 3rd and 17. This year, they average 2.6 yards when they run the football on 1st down. That’s less than 1.5 yards more than their 1st down efficiency with the football in road games and more than 1.8 yards less than their success percentage at home. They have to be smarter with the football.”
Dirt: “In the football season when we almost made it to the Super Bowl, we learned that the most important thing is to secure the football. Coach made us practice it every week. If you’re gonna run, you have to secure the football.”
Delmartin: “As I recall, the most important thing you secured in that football season was your commercial for Blast Off Beer!”
(Boisterous laughter from everyone at the table.)
Spit: “And you fumbled your line.”
(Louder boisterous laughter.)
Bernie: “If the Kayaks want to cut into the Monsters’ lead, they have to put the football into the hands of their wide outs, tight ends, and split backs. They have to throw the football underneath the coverage into open lanes and crossing routes.”
Rachmed: “Last year, the Kayaks were 12 for 48 on field goal attempts outside the 35-yard line. They can get back into this football game if they opportunize their possessions inside the Red Zone and put the the football through the uprights every time they get inside the 20. Their winning percentage increases by 14.8% when they score points with the football.”
Spit: “That’s right, Rachmed. The Kayaks have to play this football game one down at a time.”
Dirt: “The winner is usually the football team that puts the most points on the board.”
Delmartin: “The football teams are coming back on the field. Let’s go to our sideline reporter, Dabetta Plumpton. Dabetta?”
Dabetta: “Thank you, Delmartin! I’m here with Coach Blocklin. Coach, how do you plan to slow down the Gila Monsters’ running game in this half?”
Coach: “Yes, Dabetta. We have to slow down the Monsters’ running game.”
Dabetta: “Do you plan to throw the ball more or use more trick plays?”
Coach: “Yes, Dabetta. We need to score more points with the football. The winner is usually the football team that puts the most points on the board.”
Dabetta: “Thanks, Coach! Back to you, Delmartin!”
Delmartin: “Thank you, Dabetta! We’ll be back with the second half kickoff right after these words from our sponsors.”
The 110% American Sports Report. “Just watch. It’s American!”